Last week I was brought to my knees in soulful agony. Why? Because I was brought back to the place of grieving for my children ". . . like the rest of mankind, who have no hope." (1THESS 4:13). What brought me to that dark place again, a place I thought I'd left far behind after over 30 years having two transitioned children? Being tired and weary. Listening to the Enemy's suggestion that I had more pressing things to do rather than tending to my daily morning devotions. Slipping away from feeling close to Jesus through distancing myself from Him. I know He knows best about all things and allows only what is beneficial to all in the end, regardless of whether I can comprehend the validity of this. I get grumpy when I'm tired, though. Deep down and with wavering faith, that truth seems like lunacy when it comes to something like the death of innocent children. Instead of railing at Him, I distance myself I've found. Especially when I'm feeling overrun by problems; I can take care of myself, thank you.
So it was a dark place. Honestly though, I'm thankful for that wretched experience of feeling so overwhelmed with missing my children that I almost couldn't breathe. It helped me to remember just how awful those early-on days of child-loss are, so I can better empathize with those that are enduring this worst type of trial-by-fire.
"Hope" was missing in me . . . and deep agony crept in like a thief that evening. I'd momentarily lost the most important reason why I've been able to cope with my tragedy all these years. I've clung to Hope in God's assurances given to bereaved parents through His Word, like a life-raft thrown to those facing potential drowning.
I regained my balance again after a good cry. My believing that Michael and Lisa are alive and in Paradise with God and all His Holy Angels--our reunion awaiting--again righted me upward.
I came across this tiny devotional book written in 1843, "Psalms and Hymns and Selections," at my local library's resale Bookstore. This selection, with the title of "Safety of the Elect," seemed to fit this blog post; I'm copying it here:
"Faith hath an overcoming power,
It triumphs in the dying hour:
Christ is our life, our joy, our hope;
Nor can we sink with such a prop."
Stop the blood loss! Don't give up! Grab onto the lifesaving Word of God!
3 comments:
Dear Donna, I read your heart breaking words and I can barely imagine that triple tragedy of your loss. I can only believe that your survival, not just your body but your mind, your heart..spirit..has been miraculously spared by God's gracious hand or else grief would destroy you. It will still try like it does me but God's miracles ALWAYS soothe and restore to a place I can hardly understand.
I think there are other burdens in our lives that add to our already grieving hearts and topple us completely. It's so very hard to stand under the pain. But God has held each of us. He is most definitely our refuge.
You have been an encourager and have supported me so often these last 8 years when I was crumpled in agonizing grief. Your loss has had purpose because you have ministered to others like me and I in turn have been able to be here for those who are experiencing this overwhelming sorrow.
Thank you, friend for your continuous compassion. Much love and of course, plenty of Brandon bear hugs....and Michael and Lisa love hugs and kisses always.
Thank you my friend! I've been thinking lately about something "The Imitation of Christ" author wrote. (Thomas a' Kempis.) He said regarding our difficulties that God can "moderate its violence" and this I've found so true. Like today, it's been a peaceful day interiorly for me even though nothing's changed except I've made more of a effort to regain closeness in our relationship. I like that saying, "God is a gentleman...He will not force His way upon us."
You've been an awesome inspiration for me, Dale. Each of us having our own unique walk with Jesus...and sharing Him and His Wonders with one and all. This "life" will seem like a bad dream when we finally join our kids having true Life. Thank you for the Brandon Bear Hugs! 😄 Love you! ❤️✝️❤️
Donna,"Oh the peace we often forfeit" from the song, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus " comes to mind as you describe how you slipped into the darkness that day. It's happened to me too, on days or weeks that I've gotten too far away from my Anchor due to busyness, exhaustion, stress, whatever the reason. But God is patiently waiting. Thank you for teaching me about reunion. I've always believed that I would see Ed again but you taught me so much about looking forward joyously towards reunion and that our kids are well, beyond well. Love to you and dearest Lisa, Michael and Tim. ♡
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