Last week I was brought to my knees in soulful agony. Why? Because I was brought back to the place of grieving for my children ". . . like the rest of mankind, who have no hope." (1THESS 4:13). What brought me to that dark place again, a place I thought I'd left far behind after over 30 years having two transitioned children? Being tired and weary. Listening to the Enemy's suggestion that I had more pressing things to do rather than tending to my daily morning devotions. Slipping away from feeling close to Jesus through distancing myself from Him. I know He knows best about all things and allows only what is beneficial to all in the end, regardless of whether I can comprehend the validity of this. I get grumpy when I'm tired, though. Deep down and with wavering faith, that truth seems like lunacy when it comes to something like the death of innocent children. Instead of railing at Him, I distance myself I've found. Especially when I'm feeling overrun by problems; I can take care of myself, thank you.
So it was a dark place. Honestly though, I'm thankful for that wretched experience of feeling so overwhelmed with missing my children that I almost couldn't breathe. It helped me to remember just how awful those early-on days of child-loss are, so I can better empathize with those that are enduring this worst type of trial-by-fire.
"Hope" was missing in me . . . and deep agony crept in like a thief that evening. I'd momentarily lost the most important reason why I've been able to cope with my tragedy all these years. I've clung to Hope in God's assurances given to bereaved parents through His Word, like a life-raft thrown to those facing potential drowning.
I regained my balance again after a good cry. My believing that Michael and Lisa are alive and in Paradise with God and all His Holy Angels--our reunion awaiting--again righted me upward.
I came across this tiny devotional book written in 1843, "Psalms and Hymns and Selections," at my local library's resale Bookstore. This selection, with the title of "Safety of the Elect," seemed to fit this blog post; I'm copying it here:
"Faith hath an overcoming power,
It triumphs in the dying hour:
Christ is our life, our joy, our hope;
Nor can we sink with such a prop."
Stop the blood loss! Don't give up! Grab onto the lifesaving Word of God!
