Sunday, September 17, 2017

ANOTHER BIRTHDAY PASSES



Yesterday my 2 year old turned 35. That's how I view it from my earthly perspective. There's been no, "Now you've turned 3!" then "Now you've turned 4!" and so on and so forth. It's just like he's stuck forever in my mind at "2" turning--this year--a robust 35 years old. It's been very jarring to me as the years have progressively increased and the span of what Michael "was" and what he "would have been" contrasting so enormously now.

After the yearly jolting, I take up my mental word-armor, the remembrance of how none of that matters--at all--in the grand scheme of things. All my angst may be perfectly normal but it's still "earthly thinking." Jesus once reprimanded St. Peter because he (St. Peter) was only thinking along earthly terms--not heavenly terms.

Jesus turned and said to Peter, "get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns." (Matt. 16:23 NIV).

What does it matter that Michael (or Lisa) didn't live long in earthly years--if I truly believe (which I do) that he's in Paradise and Perfected and Paired up with Jesus and happy as a lark as The Father sees fit? I remind myself to stop having "merely human concerns" and get myself back on track. Otherwise I'm a stumbling block to myself. If I get on the sad track, it speeds along at a furious pace and leaves me feeling nothing but drained of energy. Stop! I'll tell myself.

I had the electric candle I bought years ago turned on yesterday. I couldn't help but notice how cheap the fake flame looked. Nowadays they make them so much more real-looking. I did a quick assessment of whether I was failing Michael in some way by choosing to keep it instead of buying a brand new, more realistic-looking one. Again, earthly thinking about something that matters not a whit in reality! In Michael's reality!

It was on actually just prior to it being Michael's birthday as it was another day of getting to bed way too late. I wouldn't be asleep at midnight so why not light it now and place my favorite photo of him near it--now? If it wasn't lit and it was after midnight and I could light it but chose not to . . . would that indicate I didn't care? Again, earthly thinking needing redirecting. I still need to redirect even after what soon will be "33" years since the wreck that killed them all instantly. Old habits die hard.

I know almost nothing about Michael. That's the plight of those of us whose children die very young. He had a lot of sweet qualities about him and also an impishness. He was easy to please. He had a hearty laugh. When he turned two, at his party held at my in-laws, he helped a little girl he had never met before who was struggling to blow her balloon up. He told me when Lisa was crying if I was out of earshot. He was willing to sit cuddled tightly together next to Lisa in a spacious baby stroller that was really just designed for one. He liked to paint; his last picture--painted shortly  before the wreck happened--resembled an angel with wings spread. He liked the Sesame Street character, "Ernie." He was brave. While at a friend's house, the friend's grandfather dressed as a clown and dropped in for a visit. The friend cowered in fear as Michael stood his ground, more curious than anything else. He burned his tender arm on my in-laws' outdoor grill after an impulsive reach . . . and didn't even cry about it.

What has helped me the most to survive the wreck, was Michael being obedient to whoever told him to repeat after them, "Going Home to be with Jesus!" numerous times in the two weeks before the wreck. That, and how he always pointed out beautiful rainbows to me . . .









10 comments:

  1. Donna, the thing that impresses me most about your sharing is how much love I hear in your words. You still allow your heart to be tender and you could have hardened it or proclaimed as those that don't understand, that you are "over it" after all these years. I get so hurt when people tell me I should be over it. Over what?! My child?! I'll never be over him. My pain may lighten due to God's grace but we love them so...always and forever. Another point you made is how we still have our earthly thinking that matters not in the eternal life our children enjoy. Beautifully said. Love to you and dearest Michael on his earthly birthday. ♡

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  2. Thank you, Linda! I responded in private but realized I hadn't posted . . . I don't know how anyone could really ever be "over" the physical loss of someone they love! Even the Lord's disciples grieved over His death even after absorbing all His teaching. He's always our example, so just as the disciples saw Him again--so we will see our own beloveds, also. Kind of an oxymoron--we remain essentially "us" (the same) . . . and yet absolutely everything about us is changed (perfected). Sounds like a win-win to me!

    Love above and beyond to you and dear Edward,

    Donna

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  3. Definitely, win/win. God is good. He never fails us. On Ed's earth birthday I made his favorite spice cake & we celebrated his life. My granddaughter Christina, Ed's daughter brought her children. After we sang to Ed, her 4 year old Aiyva said, "Happy birthday. Papa! Stay warm and safe in Heaven!" Out of the mouths of babe's - such an amazing affirmation for me. Our children are beyond well in God's care.
    Love and peace, Linda ♡

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  4. I love that! Aiyva has it right! :-)

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  5. Donna, first let me tell you that I had written a rather lengthy comment and it got lost when I hit 'post.' So I am trying again.

    I always share with other people your tragic loss but most especially what Michael said about "going home to be with Jesus." I get goosebumps thinking about it. And the rainbows....no coincidence...Godcidence.

    Birthdays in heaven must be super awesome. I know time is not as we know it here. 'Everyday' is a joyous celebration...neverending. Ageless and perfect. That is where Tim, Michael, Lisa, Linda's Ed, and my Brandon get to be at this very minute.

    But we are human. We are brokenhearted. I have learned that with this extreme pain has also been extreme peace in a way only God can give. It Is Well! Over and over, because I still need that reassurance on my 'bad'days. We are human. We still cry because of their absence from our lives.

    I send a special Brandon bear hug to embrace you and Michael's spirit, very much alive in his mother's heart.

    I love you, friend. Peace be yours and God bless you.

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    Replies
    1. So sorry for the lost comment, Dale! I will see if this reply "sticks." I have never used my phone to reply before. I am looking forward to finally meeting your Brandon and also Linda's Ed, we're all related to Jesus so...we're all family!
      Much love and peace, Donna

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  6. Hi Dale, your post is so true! Extreme pain but due to God's grace, extreme peace! Peace that is beyond our understanding. Loving our children will always mean we will long for them, I think. One day, as Donna said, we will meet each other's loved ones. What a day that will be. Miss you, Dale. I think about you and dear Brandon often, especially when I hear, "It is Well with My Soul." ♡

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  7. Linda, I don't think we could get through this life if we didn't have hope and peace. Thank the Lord for the comfort we have through Jesus Christ.

    I am glad to hear "your voice" again. I still see our boys with Jesus, laughing, playing ball. And surely they are teaching Michael how to catch and throw.... along with little Lisa. A whole new perfect healthy life ever after. After all...It IS well!

    Love and hugs,
    Dale, Brandon's Mom

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  8. Hi Dale, so glad to be in touch with you again.Thank you, Donna! And thanks to God that we have each other on this journey and also our bond as followers of Christ. I envision all our children enjoying each other's company as they wait for the 3 of us to join them in the sweet by and by. Love to you and Donna and dear Brandon, Lisa. Michael and Tim, from Eddie and me. ♡

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