It can be "lonely at the top". When first bereaved...loneliness is a given. How could it not be? The physical loss of our beloved child strikes us right between the eyes.
But it can also be lonely in the future-- when you finally feel a great sense of "healing" and the return of joy. Many other bereaved Moms will not stand with you at that point. You are on your own again to navigate the now lonely waters. Spiritually, we always have the Lord Jesus with us to comfort and support. But physically...the absence of one's sisterhood of the bereaved, is sorely noticed and missed.
"You can't heal in isolation" is commonly told those in 12 Step programs. I agree completely. But after gaining healing from intense bereavement pain...I again feel isolated... but there's no 12 Step group for Successful Grieving Transitioning...
How does this happen? Bereaved Moms often believe that feeling the healing; experiencing the joy of life again, is equal to forgetting our child. Equal to not being a good Mom... because good moms don't feel happy again EVER, after the death of their child. Their sense of "betrayal" or or of being disloyal, is too intense to handle.
Feeling good again has been so long in coming for so many bereaved Moms, that it feels just plain foreign. And unfamiliar. And unfortunately...unacceptable. It's easier to stay with the old "I'll never feel...(insert word here)"... i.e. better/ normal/ the same (now that one's just plain common sense!- but doesn't necessitate feeling always miserable!) And our minds have a way of convincing our bodies that the mind is right! Even when it's wrong.
It's hard to look past the quizzical looks I get when asked and then talking about my children. The longer I talk about my deceased children without breaking down, or at least choking up a bit in the retelling--often gets me looked up and down. People have a hard time believing what happened and I frequently will need to repeat certain key points. Yes, all three died at once. Yes, it was someone else's fault. Yes, I was the only survivor. Yes, my husband died along with my children.
Sometimes a fleeting look comes and goes as if they're wondering whether in fact, they should believe me. It sounds too horrendous to be so casually conversing about. And I "get" what they are feeling. Because I, too, have a brief moment of near disbelief hearing someone talk without deep, sad emotions if speaking about tragedy. Something doesn't seem right. Their tone is off. Normally people are broken up over the retelling of this kind of thing, my subconscious tells me. The first time that happened to me and I realized it...I felt like such a hypocrite! All those years complaining in my mind about others not seeming to "accept" my story...and hear I was, feeling the same way when I heard someone else's monotone tragic-story delivery.
Why is it so hard to believe that God can heal grief completely? When the blind were made to see, they didn't have blurry vision. The deaf now heard perfectly. The lame leaped around--not hobbled on only one healed leg--
When God healed my grief, He healed me completely. That doesn't mean I don't miss them anymore. That doesn't mean I don't "have my days"...What it does mean is that I no longer face near despair over the perceived loss of them. Because they aren't lost--I now understand in my heart-- as well as my head. Heart knowledge was gained with miles traveled... in addition to Biblical beliefs (head) knowledge.
They're not lost, they're "found"...Found in the loving arms of our wonderful God who gives light and life to their eternal days. And given us the assurance that there is Reunion awaiting us--and an increase of The Holy Spirit within our souls that assures us this is true. A foretaste of Heaven, as Scripture tells us.
God can be trusted. Man...not so much. "In God We Trust" should not only be inscribed on our coinage, but deeply etched within our hearts, as well.
