For those of you that regularly visit your child's gravesite (usually located in their mom's hometown, right?)…I think you are incredibly fortunate. Some of us…not so much.
The longer I go on this journey...the more desire I have to chat with Tim, Michael and Lisa at the family grave. The problem? They were buried in my in-laws' city, in the state we all used to live in, but nobody does anymore! While hospitalized, my in-laws arranged for my family to be buried at tlocal cemetery. They figured I'd just move on with my life-outta sight, outta mind, leaving town, I guess…I always had to make trips to see them at the cemetery…me-who doesn't especially care for autos anymore...
Looking back , I think I needed to separate myself physically from them during part of my journey, in order to survive the devastation. (After that initial, unable to wrench myself away from say, an isolated sock, shirt or other tangible things connected with them.) I wanted to run from the tragedy in as many ways as I could. Run away from pain, loss, suffering and heartbreak..Visiting the gravesite, just reminded me of how much I lost…How I was left "behind"…how I still struggled with what my kids missed out on…(Nowadays, I no longer feel they missed out…I now feel that "I" missed out!)
A few years after the wreck, now remarried and with son, I decided I wanted to get my transitioned family back to where they belonged…at my own local cemetery. But after making some phone calls, was strongly advised to wait until my in-laws passed away- so I would not face a possible lawsuit! (For causing my in-laws undue pain and suffering by moving my own husband and children closer to me…go figure.) So I tabled the idea. I focused on the fact that only their bodies were in that casket-not what truly makes them uniquely them-their Spirit/Soul- which resides safely with God, now. And when Jesus "visits" me…they are along for the ride, as there's no separation. There's no "Kids, you stay in the car, while I go in the house for a minute" kind of thing going on. Everyone arrives as a package deal…I think they're into "efficiency" up there in Heaven…?
The cemetery won't call me back. I've been trying since last week to get some closure on this headstone cleaning business.
When I contacted the cemetery two years ago, management told me the water had already been turned off for the season. I was outta luck. Shoot. So last year I called earlier. The cemetery, I was told, had been recently heavily vandalized. (Horrified, I quickly asked about our headstone, and thank You Jesus, it was unscathed-at least that's what they told me)…They had their hands full with all the cleaning up, but I gave them my new contact information, hopeful, yet they never contacted me. Last week, I was able to talk to someone who promised a call back later that day, after checking out the headstone…but no call back came. Repeated phone calls only go to an answering machine. I leave messages, but nobody calls me back…ugggh!
SO the "positive spin" I put on this, is to conclude that God is making it "easier" for me, to strengthen my belief in their new way of LIFE. I need to communicate with them through Jesus primarily-soul to soul-skipping all the physical stuff that's only temporary, anyway...
And, as if to cement that point, SO often, when I'm trying to deal with some random, usually difficult emotional issue regarding my transisitioned ones…all heck breaks loose, here on the earth-bound homefront. New health issues, repair issues, but repeatedly it's issues with my son from my remarriage-Kevin.
I had Kevin when I was in my SECOND year of grieving the loss of my first family…Yeah- that was incredibly rough…Definitely not something I'd recommend, timing-wise!
So... if you regularly go to your child's gravesite...I really envy you! As for me, I feel the Lord's telling me, "Hey! take care of matters down THERE and let me handle this Heavenly stuff--I've got them in the palm of My Hand…and they are FINE!
Ok, Lord, I get it! Still would be nice though, to sit at their gravesite and chat awhile, now that I'm getting older and just too tired to run…But the good news is-the endurance producing news- is our Reunion gets that much closer every day! We have much to look forward to…just keep hanging in there, Moms!
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