Tuesday, August 19, 2014

WEARY SOLDIERS

After close to 30 years traveling the child bereavement road, I surprised myself today.  I was brought very low-to a place I rarely go to these days, thinking of my transitioned loved ones. There's so many of them "up there", that sometimes I  feel like a soldier who's been deserted by his battalion...

I let myself "go there"- to that mindset that is primarily- wishing again that it was all just a bad nightmare. That I could just wake up from it, and all would once again be how it "used to be"…

I broke one of my rules. I got too tired out. It didn't take me long after the tragedy, to learn about that rule. I found that the more tired I was, the less amount of "trigger" it took to erupt my emotions. And it made no difference if I was in a staid social setting-my emotional deluge "dam of sorrow", would break loose whenever and wherever it pleased…

We get weary sometimes, us "Sorrow Soldiers". It's a rough war that we fight. I have come to believe that grief recovery, isn't so much about ending the emotional "war" we're engaged in. I believe that actually, we learn better combat skills… and just become a more skilled soldier.

Skilled soldiers can engage in battle longer, knowing the appropriate weapons to use to best aid their fight. They've seen more horrors. They can endure more, having experienced more. With each battle, they can learn what to do better, to improve their chances for survival.

Does war ever get "easier"? No... but I believe that we soldiers can gain more skill in using our tools…increasing our odds to persevere in the battle. We learn how to "endure" battle...

Jesus, being our Commander in Chief… has a battle plan for us.  He helps us to follow this plan, by giving us "support troops" to aid us in our struggle to overcome. He doesn't expect us to go it alone. If a soldier needs back up support…he asks for help and isn't ashamed to do so. It's only smart strategy-there really is "strength in numbers."

None of us Sorrow Soldiers should be surprised if, when overly tired, we experience tactical errors. A surgeon cannot perform at his utmost skill level, when physically exhausted. And Sorrow Soldiers constantly face an ongoing and exhausting recovery, from a barrage of simultaneous pummeling and shattering.

Triggers which ignite our souls on fire with anguish, come fast and furious-especially during the first part of war. The goal of the enemy is always to conquer and divide as quickly as possible. Missiles are therefore non-stop, especially during early battle. But repetition after repetition helps to dull the knee- jerk response of shock and terror. Our skills for tolerating battle develop and grow…like a little seedling- that transforms into a large tree, eventually able to provide restful shade. And each seedling grows at their own, individual rate of growth.

When first bereaved, I was in a war that I could not acknowledge even existed.  Children do not (physically) die before their parents. There was a mistake. It couldn't be.  I felt weaker than I had ever felt…at a time when I had to garner every ounce of energy... to fight the hardest battle I'd ever had to fight...

 After finally believing a war is in fact, truly in effect…then I had to figure out how to fight... And as mothers, we are geared more oward love and nurturing…Gentle things…baby powder and "Huggies"  and delicate pastels…certainly not "war"...

I was feeling rather strong one day while visiting the cemetery where my family was newly buried.  I had steeled myself and stiffened my innards and felt I could stand.

I was trying to focus more on the beauty my children now had... and not on what was going on underneath the cold ground where they lay...

I gathered my silk flowers (I lived too far away to use real flowers) and was just giving a fussy, final arranging tug to them. I was pleased with my choice of colors-white for purity and innocence, and red for true love.

All of a sudden, the most horrid, squiggly slug creatures slithered out of the urn- and I jumped back in total and utter disgust…I couldn't get away from there fast enough-at the same time feeling guilt for wanting to leave…and being able to leave...

We soldiers on this shared journey engage in much hand to hand combat-of an up front and personal nature...

Remembering what it was like those early years...I'm not going to let myself get too tired anymore. In fact, it's late here in CA, and I'd better close for now. I'm going to better remember our battle Commander's words,  to "rest awhile"…In this grief war,  He is also our highly skilled "Medic"…Best to follow His advice...


2 comments:

  1. Donna, this is an exceptional post on spiritual warfare. I believe in our vulnerable state of grief and shock we are viciously attacked by the Enemy. It is ongoing for the rest of our lives. While others may have another kind of "grief" to endure...we who are Sorrow Soldiers grieve our losses. This reminds me of the old hymn, "Onward Christian Soldiers" ...like any war...some battles are won...some are lost, but God is the "Great Commander and Chief" who knows the battleground will one day be strewn with the Enemy's "finest."

    You sound rested and strong today. I hope you put on the whole armor of God and continue to fight and encourage. Our reward awaits. Halleluia!! Your family and my Brandon and all other loved ones have already received the sights of Heaven and Jesus' precious face.

    Much love and peace ~
    dale Brandon's Mom

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  2. Thank you Dale. Actually, I haven't been feeling very strong lately…But the blessing is that "when I am weak…then I am strong" through Christ. When feeling weak, that is usually when I seem to get more inspiration for my blog writing…! Thank you, God, that we know YOU are ultimately VICTORIOUS, at the final bugle call we must muster up to…Love to you and Brandon Bear, Donna

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