Shortly it'll be 33 years ago that the fatal accident took place. 33 years is purportedly how old Jesus was when He died. 33 years from His birth to His death; an entire earthly lifetime. That's a very long time to be counting this anniversary date.
The pain of sudden and total loss of my husband, son and daughter has softened to an almost indistinguishable twinge. The pain of coexisting with my second son and our conflicts has taken up that space. The more challenges I endure in this life (and my son endures), the more confirmed I am that my first family is free from all of this suffering. How much more pure can one's soul be than an infant or toddler that's gone straight from cradle to Heaven? How very much capacity they must have within them to receive the utmost outpouring of God's overflowing Love.
It used to bother me that not only did I "lose them" but I lost the earthly boundaries of our relationship status. I used to be their Mom that knew everything and did everything for them. Now they know more than I and have become my superior. The role reversal further established our distinctness, our separateness and our great divide. Most people don't like change. Even if it's for another's good, sometimes. Over the years I finally realized I needed to let everything go. All my preconceived ideas about what I thought I'd deserved from my Motherhood. All the things that were expected to have taken place and yet were completely ripped away for all time. All earthly time. The grieving experience is a lengthy process of evolution. The end result for me was not to expand though, so much as it was to contract myself and to let God take over every single expectation that I had and let Him make it what He said it should be and will be. Trust has been paramount in all of this conversion process. Change has been hard but has definitely gotten easier the more I have been able to give in to God's way of doing it. His way of doing everything in a perfectly well-thought out plan of execution. Only He knows the final result of all the angst I've been through and I know that when I transition finally and rejoin my family in Paradise, then I'll have those impossible to answer now questions fully answered. I get glimpses here and there of the "why." I have some painful "answers" that I've formulated over the years of my own personal growth.
Eventually I'll know but I'm convinced that finally knowing "why" is going to be overshadowed by the joyful reunion with my loved ones. It'll be like trying to tell someone about how incredibly lousy something was, all the while you're walking through Paradise with delights to the left of you and delights to the right of you. Pain? Agonizing sorrow? What are those compared to ALL of this glory around you and ecstatic highs you're now experiencing? It'll be like tasting the most delicious chocolate cake you've ever tasted; you're delighting in it and somehow whatever was bothering you suddenly is furthest from your mind. Joy has taken its place. Multiply that by a trillion and I think that's what Heaven's going to be like. I'm just not going to care about the whys of the painful details anymore because pain will be no more so I'm not likely to think on it.
We all have much to anticipate and hope for. Don't give up hope! Trust in God Almighty with whom nothing is impossible. And with whom all joy is forthcoming. Michael and Lisa and Tim, I love you and will see you pretty soon. Tell Jesus to get that luscious six-layer chocolate cake ready!
Love You! Mom
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