Friday, October 24, 2014


I opened my kitchen window the other day, and heard the child next door, apparently having a very bad meltdown. On and on the poor child railed-big sobs erupting into angry wails and shrieking. After praying for them both, I had an insight.

All that angry wailing and flailing around-how utterly tiring that had to be! Maybe that is why, especially after Moms are first told of their child's death-we are always so very tired. We also do a kind of internal flailing of arms and legs- and shrieking in anger at the top of our voices- to a Power that just doesn't want to budge on His position. The answer is "No"-and it doesn't matter to us, how parentally kind or gentle His responses are back to us…because the answer still remains "No"-we're not getting our child back physically. And that's final.

Is it any wonder that it takes a very long time usually, for us Moms to get back into a calmer, more "balanced" state? We have to accept that the unthinkable has happened, and that the answer from One having power over ALL THINGS… is that dreaded "No". That doesn't go down easily for us…not any more than with my neighbor's child being denied his desire.

We believe that God has control over all situations, at all times. We do have free will, but God can do miracles. So what happened? Why is my child now physically deceased? I did all the right things. What is this kind of "repayment"?

After awhile (sometimes a very long while), we realize that all the flailing and screaming and shrieking at this utmost injustice, isn't changing anything.  And then  the near-despair sets in. It isn't as though we go gently into that good night…No, it's more like that night drags us kicking and screaming, down  down down- right into the deepest abyss of unrelenting depression. And at that point, it's truly "make it or break it" time, for our deepest beliefs about life beyond the grave. Life afterward...for both Mother and Child. 

For me, there was a kind of "surrender" at one point. Being driven to the point of utter exhaustion by the Grief War, I "laid down my arms"…and finally gave up- and gave in, to what God had allowed to happen. I completely hated the fact, that my children were no longer physically alive.  But as I looked back at my life experiences, I saw how Jesus had already helped me through, some incredibly difficult times in my life previously. He really was worthy of my trust. 

I could not understand the reason "Why?"- but just like my neighbor's child- not knowing the reason "Why?" and continuing to violently protest, isn't gong to bring about the desired result. And it is exhausting on all levels. We have to trust, that Jesus always knows what He is doing-in the past, in the present, and in our gloriously joyful future Reunions… We have so very much to anticipate-and this forward thinking frees us, and increases our energy available,  to soar- rather than being grounded by every oncoming headwind coming at us… 

"With God we will gain the victory, and He will trample down our enemies." (Psalm 60:12) 

"The last enemy to be destroyed is death." (1 Corinthians 15:26)

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