Thursday, September 20, 2012

On Life and Living

 "On Death and Dying"-Kubler-Ross' epic book,  talked about the stages of grief. In my humble opinion, not enough has been spoken "On Life and Living."

The stages that Kubler-Ross talked about were:
1) Denial 
2) Anger
3) Bargaining             
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

Before being able to resume "life" again...there are huge issues for bereaved Moms to resolve.
Resolving the issues that get us personally bogged down in our grief is of primary importance to the resumption of  "living." That can be hard work!

 What brings us to instant tears or anger?-- these are the very issues that we eventually need to work out for ourselves... to our satisfaction... I was able to tackle only one issue at a time. And that was plenty enough to handle!

 Christian Moms have to come to terms with the additional plethora of questions including the biggie, "Why did God allow this to happen?" And trying to understand how a loving, omnipotent and omniscient God could even "do such a thing to us"--"to them". 

To some questions I had, that I just could not figure out the answer to this side of Heaven, I concluded...I can't figure it out. It cannot be known in this life. That was my answer to some of my most perplexing questions.

Just having worked on trying to figure "it" out and coming to a conclusion (even if it was "I don't know") was extremely helpful to me. It allowed me to go on to another issue, to resolve to my own satisfaction.

I believe we need to fully incorporate and fully grieve our loss... their death... (our death) before we can begin to even think about "living" again. Just let all the grief out. It's like a balloon that won't stay down in water...grief will keep bouncing back up when we try to submerge it. So might as well let it out!

I came to understand that...God can restore...This is a concept that was given to me while still hospitalized from the wreck. At the time, right after the wreck, I didn't understand how important this concept would be, toward my healing. To my rejoining life again. God can restore.

We know that "nothing is impossible with God." He can restore, either in this life or the next...and that truth ultimately took away the awful "cheated" feeling that comes to us.
God can restore.

Leaning on my faith, taking Jesus' hand and using "the sword of the Spirit"--(God's Word)-- helped me to fight the battle of feeling cheated.
God can restore.

"Acceptance"-- an important prerequisite to rejoining life-- came for me when I knew my children were not coming back... and yet I was actually able to focus on other events going on in my life. A big help to healing during this time, was making the conscious decision  to focus entirely on the fact that my children were very much alive and well... with Jesus... and happy in HEAVEN. God can restore.

Of number one importance, in my opinion--is a willingness to move forward. Early grief is severe grief and nothing but one's sheer survival-- on all levels-- is expected of one. Rising above the floodwater with God's aid, is unique in its timing for all of us. We're on our own schedule. We punch our own time clock on this one...But at a certain point in our journey, uniquely ours timing-wise, we'll make a decision (either consciously or subconsciously)  as to which "direction" we'll be moving toward..."grieving" or  "healing"...
God can restore.

This is why grief is so exhausting. It's a full time job trying to process all of these conflicting emotions. Trying to make sense of the incomprehensible. Something we can barely say "Yes, it happened" to.  It's difficult to see reality in print.  Death certificates can make us feel nauseous.  Even the words "In Memoriam" made me catch my breath. But God can restore.

Working steadily on the issues that trouble us, gradually brings us increasing peace. A peace that builds upon itself. A forward momentum. Our NEW inner focus "On Life and Living" then blessedly begins. God CAN restore! And He does! Thanks be to God!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

The LIfe and Death of Michael Mouse

Michael's Birthday

Michael would have been 30 years old today...he died at age 27 months old. A little over two years of walking on this planet. Swept up to Heaven by his guardian angels before he even knew what guardian angels were. Or knew that he needed them in this life...

Michael entered this world on a chilly day. But his smile warmed my heart from day one. He was smiling at me from inside the little glass cubicle where they'd placed him after delivery was over. The nurse nearby commented on his smiling at me. Later I'd read that smiles could be caused by newborns being "gassy." But I never believed that about Michael's first smiles for me.

The last moments of Michael's life ended as they began. He was smiling at me, moments before the truck struck our vehicle and instantly caused his death, and the deaths of his baby sister and father. We were playing a little game almost. He was very sleepy from having just had lunch; we'd stopped at Taco John's drive-up enroute. We had a brand new Chevy S-10 extended cab pick-up and Michael and I were in the jumpseats facing each other.

I watched as Michael's eyes slowly closed...and then which time he'd smile and then I'd smile...then unable to keep his eyes open any longer, so tired, he closed them again. We repeated this several times. THEN-- I saw the truck practically on top of us, from the window behind Michael's seat. I never saw Michael again.

                   He left me with the same gift he gave to me when I first saw him...the gift of his smile.

Later I would recall how he had been announcing "Going be with Jesus!" (see Michael's Announcement tab on blog Home page). I finally understood what that was all about. He'd told me in advance where he was going. Knowing that a loving Mom would wonder where he'd gone. And giving me the only answer that could ever soothe and then heal my broken heart...that he was "with Jesus."

I love you always, Michael "Mouse"--and I cannot wait until we are reunited, in God's perfect timing. Until then I wait... "patiently endure"... and Trust.
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