Sunday, September 16, 2018


So many more birthdays have come and gone than the last one I had  with Michael. That one, he turned the big "Two." Today, I'm marking his number 36th in Earth-years. It's mind-boggling to me. Even still, the questions come: "What would he have wanted for his birthday gift?" What would he have even liked that I could make a choice from? His last favorite toy was his Sesame Street themed "Ernie" stuffed toy. Now, at 36 had he still lived on Earth, he would have likely had kids of his own to buy toys for.

Unlike so many, I'm going to break tradition here and say it has gotten easier. Gone are the deep and painful grief stabs at every point. Gone are the questions; "Are they ok?" "Where did they go?" "Will they still remember me?" "Will I always feel this bad?" I still miss them, of course, that just goes with the territory when you truly love someone who's gone for an extended stay. But with age comes familiarity and with familiarity comes a lessening of the surprise attack of shock-like jolts of unrelenting pain that would ease up, only to come back again from yet another newly discovered trigger to my grief.

My son by remarriage has gone through such a troubled life, that I secretly wonder if Michael and Lisa have been spared from the generational effect of my having grown up in a dysfunctional home. Over the years I've grown in my appreciation of the fact that Michael and Lisa have not had to go through the angst of growing up in a world that increasingly shuts God out. Even to the point where there's been talk about  removing "In God We Trust," from our coinage. With so much atrociousness in the world, the fact that Michael and Lisa are safe and secure in Heaven for eternity has grown increasingly comforting to me instead of repugnant. As I've grown and matured, the distance between us all seems less and less. Eventually, that distance will dwindle to nothing, as, God willing, I'm reunited with them when I transition into Paradise. Until then, I (try to) "patiently endure."

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